The Blue Room

The Big Itch

By Meg R.


There it is again.

The itch to leave.

I knew this was bound to happen. Its just that it happened sooner than I thought.

I actually saw it coming. I knew that, when I eventually transferred to a new job, it would be just as easy for me to leave for another job, and another job, and another job...

I made up my mind.

I wont allow myself to stagnate in this stifling work environment.

Because, why else would I leave my old job for my current one if not for the same pursuit for professional growth?

Really, it would defy all logic if I stayed, albeit the professional growth-stunting state Im in. (Here I go again).

Marifes probably gloating I can almost hear her say, "See, I had the last laugh." And shell be right.

Because after Ive incessantly pestered her to leave her job -- never mind if her leaving turns out to be a wrong decision after all -- Im showing her Im living proof of the consequences of a bad decision: Im FRUSTRATED, FRUSTRATED, FRUSTRATED.

But Im leaving, and thats it.

Now the million-dollar questions: When will I say my good byes? Where will I go next?

As for the first question I believe myself to be a person of remarkable patience and perseverance. I dont give up easily, no matter how seemingly impossible or hopeless the situation is. I thought a year or two would suffice, and then on to the next "adventure".

But this I think I can stay for no more than six months.

You may ask why cant I hold out for at least a year here, when it had been very easy for me to stay at HOR for more than a year?

Well, let me tell you this -- at least I had reasons to keep me at HOR high salary, high position, clout, prestige, friends.

Dont tell me it has crossed my mind more than once I may have been very stupid to leave HOR for a pittance of a job like my current one.

Ok, so maybe this sounds a little unfair.

But I find myself now eating my words, my ideals completely shattered.

So let me put it this way it was a right decision for me to leave HOR, but a wrong move for me to transfer here to (name of company withheld for obvious reasons)

I came to this job hoping to start a career for myself. Never mind the low salary, the demotion I figured I would be too busy to even think about these things.

But here I am in this pitiful state my workload coming in trickles, my working relationship with my current boss rapidly worsening.

Ok, ok, I admit it shes part, no the major part of the reason why I cant wait to leave this awful place.

I mean, you can no longer work for a management you no longer believe in, can you?

Dig this they supposedly hired me because they believe I can help them in the communication department; a skill they admit they lack, and which they acknowledge I have. And so idealistic little me have actually come to look forward to the proffered job when I was belaboring over whether to leave HOR or not.

It took them only one and a half months to shatter each and every hope and ideal I have for this job.

Ok, ok, Im getting down to it.

First, they wouldnt even trust me to handle the production of a trifling newsletter theyd best leave it to the capable hands of the consultant they hired, they said. Never mind that the first issue is already four months late.

Second, with the quarterly reports they did entrust me with, my boss wouldnt even deign talk to me about my work; shed rather have a middle man talk to me about her corrections and comments, which if I may say are pretty petty and inconsequential and does nothing at all to improve my work. But I figured, what the heck, shes the boss. But (again), after several more of these, and I find myself saying, "I want no more of these."

For me, if I were to work effectively and enthusiastically, Id need to have an able and competent supervisor by my side. Someone who will give helpful and constructive critique of my work, and give me ample breathing space to explore the realms of my creativity. Someone who will listen to helpful suggestions and eventually adopt them, because he/she knows they will be for the betterment of the system/work.

Someone, who is not at all like my boss.

About my boss, well, Ive come to the conclusion that shes in some sort of a power trip or something. Or, maybe she considers herself way above our level thats why shed rather die first before she got caught talking with us mere mortals.

Have I convinced you now that these are definitely more serious than just garden-variety frustrations?

So where am I to go?

Theres always the option of Williams College (I got admitted into their masters in development economics program) but in order for me to go there I would have to find a benefactor who is willing to shell out US$44,000.00 for my expenses. Since I cant very well beat their April 16 deadline for confirmation, I would have to defer my schooling for next year. I just hope it will be ample time for me to find my funding source.

Or, its back to the ads for me, I guess.

Im actually dreading to go through the motions again of sending applications, surviving interviews, only to be rejected again and again. I think this was what primarily wore down my self-confidence and self-esteem. With one rejection after another, I found myself asking whether I was any good at all.

But Im trying to hang on to the belief that theres still a perfect job out there for me -- Id rather keep faith than forever curse at the fate that has befallen me.

Endnote: a friend once remarked, "Dont itch for something youre not willing to scratch out later." Hmm, I wonder if this would be applicable to the current state Im in. Whatever.


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